Domestic Violence and Divorce: How to Protect Yourself

Divorce is never easy, but when domestic violence is part of the situation, it becomes much more serious. You may feel afraid, confused, and unsure of what to do next. If you’re going through a divorce and facing abuse, your safety should always come first.

This article is written for people in California who are experiencing abuse or fear for their safety during a separation or divorce. It explains the connection between domestic violence and divorce, outlines essential steps you can take to protect yourself, and provides information in simple, easy-to-understand language.

Please note: This article does not offer legal advice or make any guarantees. Every situation is different. If you need personal help, speaking to a domestic violence attorney is an important step.

Understanding Domestic Violence in California

Domestic violence isn’t only physical. In California, domestic violence can include:

Physical harm or threats of harm
Emotional abuse or intimidation
Sexual abuse
Controlling behavior (like preventing you from seeing friends or family)
Financial abuse (controlling money or denying access to it)

These actions are illegal, especially if they’re used to control, frighten, or hurt a spouse or partner. Abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of gender, age, or background.

How Domestic Violence Affects Divorce

When domestic violence is involved in a divorce, the court takes it very seriously. California law considers abuse when making decisions about:

Child custody and visitation
Spousal support
Division of property

For example:

An abusive parent may not get custody or may only be allowed supervised visits.

A victim of domestic violence may not be required to pay spousal support to their abuser.

The court may award more of the couple’s shared property to the abused spouse.

If you’re dealing with domestic violence and divorce, it’s important to make the court aware of the abuse. This can help protect your rights and ensure your safety.

Step 1: Create a Safety Plan

Before doing anything else, make a safety plan. This is a personal plan for how you’ll stay safe — especially if you’re still living with the abusive person or planning to leave soon.

Your safety plan can include:

A safe place to go (friend’s house, family member, shelter)
A packed bag with important items (IDs, medication, keys, money)
A code word you can use with friends or family to signal you need help
A copy of important documents (birth certificates, bank statements, court papers)

Keep this plan private. If you need help creating one, many domestic violence shelters or hotlines in California can help you build a safe and realistic plan.

Step 2: Get a Restraining Order

A restraining order is a court order that helps protect you from someone who is abusing or threatening you. It’s called a Domestic Violence Restraining Order (DVRO) in California.

A DVRO can:

Order the abuser to stay away from you, your home, work, or your child’s school
Prevent the abuser from contacting you in any way (calls, texts, messages)
Remove the abuser from your shared home
Give you temporary custody of children
Order the abuser to attend counseling or surrender weapons

You can request a restraining order even before starting divorce paperwork. The process can often begin the same day, especially in an emergency.

Court clerks can help you with forms; local legal aid offices may provide free assistance. While it’s not required, working with a domestic violence lawyer can help ensure your paperwork is complete and your rights are protected.

Step 3: Protect Your Children

If you have children, it’s normal to worry about how abuse will affect them. California courts always try to protect children’s well-being and safety.

If abuse has occurred, the court may:

Deny custody to the abusive parent
Limit visitation or make it supervised by a third party
Require parenting classes or counseling for the abuser

Always document abuse, even if your child wasn’t directly harmed. Take pictures of injuries (if safe), keep threatening messages, and write down what happened and when.

In some cases, Child Protective Services (CPS) may get involved. Their goal is to keep children safe, not take them away unless necessary. If you’re unsure what steps to take, our domestic violence attorney can help you understand how best to protect your children.

Step 4: Gather and Protect Important Documents

If you plan to separate or file for divorce, start collecting important documents. This helps you protect your financial future and support your legal case.

These documents may include:

Bank and credit card statements
Tax returns
Pay stubs
Lease or mortgage documents
Birth certificates and social security cards
Medical records or police reports related to the abuse

Keep these documents in a safe place—at a friend’s house, a safe deposit box, or digitally with secure passwords.

Step 5: File for Divorce Safely

If you haven’t yet filed for divorce, California allows you to file even if you and your spouse live together. You don’t have to wait until you’ve moved out.

You can:

File for divorce and request temporary orders (like custody, support, and restraining orders)
Request to keep certain property (like your car or phone) while the divorce is in progress
Ask the court to keep your contact information private

You don’t need to prove abuse to file for divorce. California is a “no-fault” divorce state, meaning you can file simply because of irreconcilable differences. However, evidence of abuse can affect the court’s decisions on other issues, like custody or spousal support.

Step 6: Stay Private and Safe Online

In the digital age, privacy is more important than ever. Abusers may try to track your movements or read your messages.

To stay safe:

Change your passwords (email, bank accounts, social media)
Use a private browser or incognito mode if researching help
Turn off location sharing on apps and devices
Consider creating a new email address for legal and divorce-related matters
Avoid posting about the divorce or abuse on social media

There are also programs like California’s Safe at Home program, which can keep your address confidential.

Step 7: Get Emotional Support

Living with abuse — or trying to leave it — takes a huge emotional toll. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, scared, or uncertain.

You don’t have to go through this alone. Support is available:

Domestic violence shelters offer safe housing and support
Counselors or therapists can help you process what you’re going through
Support groups can connect you with others facing similar challenges

Talking to someone can make a big difference. You are not weak for needing support — you’re strong for taking steps toward safety.

Step 8: Know That Help Is Available

If you’re unsure where to start, here are some resources in California:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 (free and confidential)
California Partnership to End Domestic Violence: www.cpedv.org
Local legal aid or family court offices

You can also contact law firms experienced in handling domestic abuse and divorce cases. For example, KKG Law Offices helps clients in California understand their legal rights and options during difficult times.

Final Thoughts

Dealing with domestic violence and divorce can feel like a mountain too steep to climb — but you are not alone, and there are steps you can take to protect yourself.

Start with a safety plan, get legal protection, and seek the support you deserve. Every step forward matters, whether it’s securing custody, staying safe, or beginning a new chapter.

If you need legal guidance, speaking to a domestic violence lawyer can help you understand your rights under California law and take the next best steps for your situation.